Opening Match: Alberto Del Rio (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Kofi Kingston.
Kofi is looking for revenge after Del Rio attacked Hornswoggle. He does pretty well until Del Rio knocks him into the ringpost on the outside. Inside, Del Rio shuts it down with a bodyscissors. Kofi fights back but jumps right into a gutbuster. Sickening! Del Rio goes back to the ribs but gets hit with a flying missile dropkick. Kofi goes up, but Del Rio knocks him down and snaps of a tree-of-woe neckbreaker. Kofi finally succumbs to the cross-armlock at 10:27 after a struggle. Del Rio looked good as usual, and Kofi played the plucky babyface role to perfection. ***
Edge ponders the odds, which are heavily stacked against him. Drew McIntyre promises to avenge "Kally Kally" by taking the title.
Elimination Chamber's theme song is brought to you by TobyMac. His post-Spider-man career hasn't been good.
World Heavyweight Title, Elimination Chamber: Kane vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Wade Barrett vs. The Big Show vs. Edge vs. Rey Mysterio.
Big Show is replacing Dolph Ziggler, who was fired by Teddy Long right before the PPV. Edge and Rey start out, and Edge dumps Rey to the platform. Rey hits a huracanrana for two. Rey drop toeholds Edge into the corner as Barrett gets released. Barrett picks the bones and mocks the Big Show. Dumbass. Barrett picks Rey up for the Wasteland on the outside, but Rey clings to the chain. Rey goes for the 619, but Edge cuts him off with a boot. Kane is in next, and since he drinks daiquiris made from his own bile, he goes after everyone. Rey goes up but catches a LOUD uppercut that puts him back in the tree-of-woe. Edge adds a dropkick for two. McIntyre is in next, and he just LAUNCHES Rey into the chamber Kevin Nash-style. Barrett and McIntyre team up against Kane, and then McIntyre lowblows Barrett and tosses him THROUGH the chamber. So… McIntyre is suddenly interesting? When did this happen? Edge counters the DDT to the Edgecution. Oh, I see. It was an anomaly. Rey recovers but misses the 619 on Kane. Then, Kane tosses Rey's face into the chamber. Well… FUCK! Show finally gets released and runs over everyone like fucking Cloverfield. He tracks down Barrett and smacks him around. Right cross and Barrett's gone at 18:46.
Kane comes off the top with a clothesline on Show. Edge adds a Randy Savage elbowdrop for two. Drew DDTs Show for two. Rey is perched on the top of one of the chambers, and he comes off with a seated senton. ONE, TWO, TH-NO! Show throws Rey half-way across the ring (although, thankfully, not into the chamber door). Everyone hits finishers, and Kane eliminates Show with the chokeslam at 20:52.
Drew jumps… right into a chokeslam at 21:06.
Kane tries to chokeslam both guys, but they fight out of it. Rey splashes Kane for two and reverses the chokeslam to a huracanrana. He hits the 619 but gets caught going for the springboard senton. Edge spears them both over and eliminates Kane at 22:48.
Kane chokeslams his way out of the match to leave both guys prone. Edge recovers for a spear, but Mysterio leaps over him into a schoolboy rollup. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Edge rolls through a crossbody. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Rey comes off for that senton, but Edge counters to a powerbomb. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Rey goes for the 619, but Edge counters to the Edgucator (Inverted Sharpshooter). Rey struggles and rolls through for two. Cole points out the triteness of his own statement. Oh no. He's become self-aware. Edge misses a spear but hits one on the rebound. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! 619! Springboard splash! ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Rey goes up and comes off… INTO THE SPEAR! ONE, TWO, THREE! Edge defends at 31:27. Kick-ass match in which no one looked like filler. Even the usual brush-clearing sequence made sense because of who was doing it. Great stuff down the stretch from Rey and Edge too. ****
After the match, Alberto Del Rio attacks an exhausted Edge and puts him in the cross-armlock. But suddenly, here's Christian to make the save! Serendipity! Christian gets some revenge for Del Rio injuring him and he helps out long-time friend (they're almost like brothers… almost) Edge.
In the back, Jerry Lawler says he's thinking about his mom, who passed away the week before.
Booker T welcomes back Trish Stratus, one of the Tough Enough 2011 trainers. Trish busts out a Rock-Book hybrid catchphrase. If she wanted a real pop, she should have busted out the Lita-wedding garb.
"The Chaperone" trailer. Let's see what Armond White had to say, comparing "The Chaperone" to Liam Neeson's "Unknown": "(HHH's) sincere showbiz approach to a he-man's moral agony (and sensitivity) alleviates the dour atmosphere that plagues Unknown. It might seem ideal to combine The Chaperone's bright sense of humor with Unknown's dark toughness, yet it's The Chaperone that comes closer to resolving how masculinity turns into humanity."
WWE Tag Team Titles: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov (w/Tamina) vs. Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel (w/Ezekial Jackson).
The champs outwrestle and overpower the Corre, but Gabriel hits a flying kick to Kozlov's head. Santino gets the hot tag, though, and hiptosses Gabriel on top of Slater. Cobra to Gabriel. Cole blasts Booker for using clichés. Okay, so his self-awareness didn't last long. Longer than Drew McIntyre's interesting period, though. Blind tag as Kozlov is Al Snow-headbutting Slater. Slater hits a reverse DDT on Kozlov, setting up the 450-splash. New champs at 5:09. Like many of the Corre/Nexus underling matches, this didn't make much of an impression. *
Miz talks about facing Jerry Lawler later tonight.
Vickie Guerrero comes out to plead with viewers to pressure Teddy Long into rehiring Dolph Ziggler. Teddy Long says he's in a hiring mood, but not Dolph – Kelly Kelly. Well, Drew will be happy. Kelly goes after Vickie, but LayCool makes the save. Trish Stratus chases them off.
WWE Heavyweight Title: The Miz (w/Alex Riley) vs. Jerry Lawler.
Lawler actually does seem to be in pretty good shape for a sexagenarian. King dominates early, but Miz takes over and slowly works him over. King blocks him on top and hits a sick superplex. Lawler wins a slugfest and hits a sad dropkick. Riley gets caught interfering, so the referee tosses him. Miz charges and gets schoolboyed for two. A haphazard Miz cover is reversed for a close, close two. Cole starts screaming at King about how it's "not about him anymore," so Lawler tosses Miz into Cole. Man, *everyone* is stealing from Bryan Danielson now. Back in, Lawler counters the Skull-Crushing Finale and hits a DDT. Fistdrop! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Miz backdrops out of the piledriver and boots him in the head. That sets up the Skull-Crushing Finale at 12:08. Probably should have been a first-hour main event on Raw. Solid, but nothing too exciting. It was really here to serve as a placeholder for Miz and to set up a match between two announcers for WrestleMania. **1/4
In the back, John Cena enjoys some Fruity Pebbles. As I look at pro-wrestling through more of a Pop-Culture Studies lens these days, the more I recognize why Cena gets the reactions that he does. Remind me to go into that one day.
CM Punk brags about his recent record against John Cena.
Raw Elimination Chamber, #1 Contender's Match: Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. CM Punk vs. R-Truth vs. John Morrison vs. Sheamus.
Punk brings the awesome early by gleefully taunting Randy Orton and the Oakland audience. Cole horribly misappropriates the definition of "parkour." Morrison and Sheamus start, revisiting one of the most surprisingly good feuds of last year. Everyone else is locked in a Lexan pod. The announcers use the brand name about a dozen times in the match. Morrison wows everyone with a missed springboard into a Flying Chuck off the chain. Randy Orton is released from the Lexan pod, and he dominates both men. Punk wants a piece of him, so Orton makes an example of Morrison by tossing him into the Lexan pod. Sheamus eats a rope-assisted DDT… on the steal platform. Superplexes for both Sheamus and Morrison follow. Miz looks on backstage. Punk is next, but he gets stuck in the Lexan pod, and the referee can't get it unlocked. Orton jumps a helpless Punk and stomps him down. RKO, and Punk is gone at 9:00.
As cool as that sequence was, eliminating Punk would be incredibly stupid. The Anonymous Raw General Manager agrees, so he disallows the pin and reinstates Punk in the match. Punk returns to his Lexan pod. Morrison gets tossed and lands awkwardly on the platform. Cena is released, but Sheamus jumps him right away. Orton and Sheamus renew acquaintances. Orton actually hits a Thesz Press. R-Truth is next, but he's ready for Sheamus and slams his head against the Lexan pod. Truth takes on everyone but eats a Brogue Kick from out of nowhere at 17:31.
Orton gets all vipery and tosses Morrison into the Lexan plastic casing. He won't burn in hell, though, thanks to Owens Corning Fiberglass. Punk stays in his pod and waits for Orton to get distracted. Cena comes up behind Orton, but Orton RKOs him on the outside. Sheamus jumps Orton, allowing Punk to hit the GTS on Orton at 21:32.
Punk hits knees to Cena and Sheamus, but Sheamus picks him up and tosses him into the Lexan plastic. Morrison jumps Sheamus and goes up to the top of the Lexan pod. Sheamus follows him up and calls for the Celtic Cross off the top of the pod (Splash Mountain). Morrison fights him off, though, and scales dome. Sheamus can't find him until it's too late, and Morrison just falls on top of him at 25:17.
Cena recovers and dominates Punk. Punk elbows out of the Attitude Adjustment, but Morrison springboards and knocks them both over. He tries to hit a knee on Cena, but Cena ducks out of the way. Morrison winds up kneeing the pod instead. Punk drags Cena back in and locks in a figure-four headlock. Cena powers up to his feet, and the Morrison comes off with a weak Doomsday Device. Cena turns on Morrison with the AA. Punk springboards and hits Cena with a double ax-handle for two. That leads to a catapult into the pod. Morrison tries to capitalize with Starship Pain on Punk, but Punk avoids and hits the GTS at 32:48.
Cena jumps Punk, tosses him over the top rope to the platform, and pins him at 33:08. Not at all surprising. This one had a lot of fun with Punk's psychotic antics and Morrison's even more psychotic antic, but it lacked the suspense of the opener where you at least had the possibility that Rey Mysterio might win. Here, it was etched in stone. ***1/2
s usual, the two chamber matches delivered the goods, but the midcard matches just felt like the filler that they were – even the WWE Title match. Cena winning yet again is the kind of thing that keeps the product stale, but someone eventually has to step up to give him a break (and, more importantly, the WWE has to let them). Recommended for the in-ring action, but the booking is the same old shit.
Thumbs up.
