Hell in a Cell 2010

Opening Match, Submissions Count Anywhere: Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz vs. John Morrison.
Miz complains about having to take on *both* of his trainees. Both guys turn their wrath on him, of course. Only Daniel Bryan has a submission finisher… or anything resembling a legitimate submission hold in his repertoire, so the announcers are stuck trying to pretend the other guys have secretly been submission wrestlers the whole time. Morrison busts out a legal Tarantula – nice – and Bryan adds a dropkick to Miz's exposed chest – nicer. Bryan locks in CATTLE MUTILATION~! Bryan and Miz kick each other from a leglock, but Morrison tosses Miz and locks in a faux Haas of Pain. Morrison planchas onto Miz, and they all take it to the floor like it's 1999. Bryan takes a ride on a production box and spills onto the ramp. Miz tries to use the box on Morrison, but Morrison uses the PARKOUR LUCK~! to slide over it into a Koji Clutch on Miz. Wow. I guess Striker was right about Morrison after all. Miz hits Morrison with the Skull Crushing Finale, but Bryan makes the save. To the platform, Bryan and Miz clothesline each other, leaving them vulnerable to Morrison who goes up to the top of a Hell in a Cell set. CROSSBODY! Morrison turns Miz over into the Texas Cloverleaf, but Alex Riley, Miz's new apprentice breaks it up. Bryan tosses Riley into the cameraman for a great visual and rides Miz down into the LeBell Lock at 13:33. Starmaking performances from all three guys. Maybe not on the level of the Hardys vs. Edge & Christian or anything like that, but the crowd certainly appreciated all three guys, especially Bryan for making the hated Miz tap out. Michael Cole gives Bryan props, continuing a trend of him admitting Daniel Bryan is awesome before going back to rooting against him the following night. ***3/4

WWE Heavyweight Title, Hell in a Cell: Randy Orton vs. Sheamus.
Slugfest early and they go full Rock vs. HHH on it, complete with Orton losing and then exploding out of the corner with the clothesline. Weird. Orton blocks a hiptoss and clotheslines Sheamus down. Nice mannerisms there. Sheamus slingshots back in with a shoulderblock. To the floor, Sheamus whips Orton into the mesh and hits him with a HHHian clothesline. Seriously, watch this guy some time. It's creepy. It's like the Dynamite Kid and Chris Benoit, only not well-executed or with murderous tendencies. Sheamus knocks Orton off the apron into the cage. Sheamus targets the ribs and then reverse-suplexes Orton onto the steps. Back in, Sheamus goes with the bearhug, but Orton fights out and backdrops him. Belly-to-belly suplex gets two. Stretch backbreaker sets up the Rock Bott-erm, RKO, but Sheamus counters with a knee to the gut. Sheamus brings the steps in, but Orton powerslams him on them! Whoa! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! To the floor again, Orton uses the ring-assisted DDT to the floor to knock Sheamus cold. RKO attempt, but Sheamus tosses him into the post. Sheamus sets up for the Billy Robinson backbreaker on the steps. That would be one place where he really should just do the Rock Bottom. The Brogue Kick gets two, and Sheamus can't believe it. They bust out more of The Rock's Greatest Hits with Sheamus using a chair to pummel him into a glob of jelly. Randy ducks one and hits the RKO, but Sheamus rolls to the floor before Orton can cover. Orton goes for the punt, but Sheamus avoids and hits another Brogue Kick. Back in, ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Sheamus can't believe it. He sets up for the Irish Carbomb (evidently, they've changed the name from Pale Justice to High Cross, but I'll stick with mine, thank you). Orton slips away and hits the RKO on the steps for the win at 22:51. Not sure where the negative reviews for this one came from. Sure, it was a bit derivative in parts, but it had solid storytelling, good psychology, and great transitions. Orton doesn't make a very likable babyface (although, oddly he's magnetic as a tweener), so maybe that's a reason some people couldn't get into it. Otherwise, I thought it would have made a fine main event. ***1/2

The NXT Divas start an interview, but Nexus interrupts and promises to add John Cena to their ranks.

Alberto Del Rio comes to the ring to stir things up. Man, I knew Eddy Guerrero and JBL were close. I didn't know they had a kid. He offers an open challenge to anyone who wants to face him. Edge declares a war on stupidity and offers to shut him up. That brings Jack Swagger to complain that Edge speared his personal mascot, racking up medical bills. Alberto Del Rio ducks to the floor, leaving…

Jack Swagger vs. Edge.
Apparently, the anonymous Raw General Manager can book Smackdown guys because he puts Swagger in the match with Edge. Pretty boring match. Swagger rides Edge down into a bearhug and bodyscissors. Edge misses a charge and bounces off the ropes. Cobra Twist in the ropes puts Edge down again, but Edge boots him in the face. Edge hits the Edge-o-Matic, but Swagger kicks out and holds on to the ankle for the Anklelock. Edge pulls them to the floor and rolls Swagger into the steps. Edge goes up, but Swagger runs up and catches him with the belly-to-belly superplex. Now, Swagger goes after the ankle. He goes back to the Anklelock, but Edge rolls him into the ropes and spears him on the rebound at 11:30. Edge did nary an offensive thing before that. **

In the back, David "The Last Dragon" Otunga tells the Nexus to trust him because he has a plan. If they do interfere, Wade automatically loses, and the Nexus had to disband. Why is that suddenly a stipulation and not, ya know, A RULE?!

John Cena vs. Wade Barrett.
Striker wonders what kind of Nexus member Cena would be should he lose. Probably a pretty shitty one. Just a guess. Cena's theory is that if he beats Barrett, Nexus will cease to exist. That theory didn't pan out, but that comes later. Cena outwrestles Barrett and goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Nexus runs down. Barrett puts the breaks on them, though. Jab-jab-overhand-right gets two for Barrett. A flying elbow gets two more. Cena misses a charge to the corner, and Barrett hits him with the neckbreaker. Cena comes back with the usual, and Nexus moves in. The Five-Knuckle Shuffle puts Barrett down as the midcarders run down to kick Nexus' ass. YEAHOO! YOU'RE ALL CLEAR, KID! NOW LET'S BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME! Barrett powers out of the STF and hits a pump-handle slam for two. He reverses the AA to a double-underhook suplex and gets two. BOSSMAN SLAM BY BARRETT! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! A second flying elbow misses, and Cena goes up. Barrett breaks up the Civilian Slice but gets knocked back. AA? NO, WASTELAND! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Cole nearly had a heart attack on that one. Barrett can't believe it. Cena suddenly pops up and hits the AA! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO?! Wow. Usually, that would be the finish. STF! Cole freaks out, calling for the tapout. A "fan" (Michael McGillicutty) runs in and distracts the ref while a second "fan" (Husky Harris) nails Cena in the face. Barrett crawls over and covers for the win at 17:48. The crowd is shocked, pissed, disappointed, and apparently very gullible. The match was great once the Nexus was cleared out of there. Outside of the final interference, Barrett looked right at home kicking out of Cena's finishers and countering his best moves. ***1/2

That would have made a perfect end to the show. Sadly, we still have an hour to go.

Paul Bearer says Kane will never be his favorite son. Dude… you don't have to be a dick about it.

Diva's Title: Michelle McCool (w/Layla) vs. Natalya.
McCool gets a lot of flak, but she actually is an okayish wrestler – just not enough to justify being pushed over several other female wrestlers. Her counter of the Sharpshooter to the leglock is nice (you have to say it like Stuart Scott to get the full impact). Natalya clearly outclasses her, but Layla tosses a shoe in for the DQ at 4:51. Psst. Wanna know a secret? That's not even the stupidest interference tonight. 1/2*

Recap of the Undertaker vs. Kane feud. Okay, if this were booked by CHIKARA or one of those wacky Japanese promotions that had a more consistent comic-booky basis, this would have come off much better. The idea is that Kane attacked Undertaker and took his powers away, allowing himself to defeat the Taker. Taker went off to pout and was reunited with Paul Bearer who restored his powers. So now we get a full-strength Undertaker versus Kane.

Tangent: Instead of doing it the way they did it by ignoring continuity (Taker tried to kill Paul Bearer in his last regular appearance, yet they reunited with no satisfactory explanation), they should have had Kane set his sights on Paul Bearer after finishing the Undertaker. That would have forced Bearer and Taker to work together despite their differences while simultaneously making more sense.

World Heavyweight Title, Hell in a Cell: Kane vs. The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer).
Bearer asks for Taker to let him stay inside the cage, but Taker ain't having it. Taker rolls over Kane early, hitting the Snake Eyes and big boot. Striker recounts the birth of Kane… or rather the conception, which is more disturbing. Kane fights back and goes after Taker's leg. Taker comes back and hits the guillotine legdrop anyway. That gives Kane the opening to hit the dropkick to the knee. Long leglock follows. Undertaker comes back with the flying clothesline. Kane hits one of his own but gets trapped in Hell's Gate. Kane drags himself to the floor to break. Back in, they boot each other, and both do the zombie sit-up. Taker hits the DDT for two and calls for the chokeslam. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! The Undertaker goes for the Last Ride, but Kane kicks his leg and hits a chokeslam for two. Kane mounts Taker in the corner, which is like setting Rey Mysterio up for splash mountain or hitting any kind of finisher on Hulk Hogan. Taker counters to the Last Ride. ONE, TWO, TH-NO! Kane counters the Tombstone to his own like he did at Night of Champions. The ref explains that it wasn't three, so Kane uppercuts him and pitches a hissy. Paul Bearer slips inside the Cell while they switch refs. Striker way-too-ominously points this out. Kane turns his aggressions on Paul Bearer and stalks him over to the corner. Taker does the sit-up thing and hits a chokeslam, but he stops to do some theatrical shit and call for the Tombstone. Oh, but Bearer unleashes the power of the urn right in his face. Seriously, he gets hot, creamy urn power all over his face -- just masculinely squirting ectoplasmic energy in a phantasmagoric facial. Taker (and the crowd) is so confused that Bearer is able to hand Kane the urn. OH YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! THEY JUST WENT MAMET ON YOUR ASS! Kane brains the Taker and finishes with a chokeslam at 21:37. Jesus Christ on a Stick. Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark was better executed. First of all, the arena goes dark during the Tombstone, which only happens so the fans can see the Mag Lite in the urn. Second, no one in the arena had any idea what was going on. Worse, it didn't look like the performers knew what was going on. The announcers sold it like it was part of the plan all along, but Kane looked just as surprised to be receiving the urn as Taker did at being betrayed. What damage did the urn energy do? Well, it seemed like none outside of Taker dropping Kane and saying, "Broseph, why do you have a flashlight in your urn?" Shouldn't he have acted, I don't know, blinded or something? Normally, I like a little bizarre theatrics (Hence, my love for the Black Scorpion, the Eye of Tyr, and Purple Haze), but this was just so awful. The match didn't even really build to the finish, either. 3/4*